Lost & Found: Friendship Edition

Have you ever met someone and just thought “damn, we should really be friends.”? Well that is basically what happened when Jillian* and I met. (Name was changed to protect my girlfran.) English class of sophomore year is when it all started. We had the funniest teacher ever who actually made English class enjoyable (although I’m not sure we learned much, especially after we became friends.) It seemed like we totally hit it off right away, which is saying a lot for me. Because let’s face it, girls are bitches. And I’m picky about the bitches I like. (Warning: this post is kinda gonna be all over the place and a little lengthy, so try to stick with me.)

We started hanging out outside of school and became closer than ever. We did SO many things together and it got to the point where her family was now my family, and my family was now her family. We walked into each other’s houses without knocking and shouted “hey mom!” as if we lived there. It didn’t take long, and we were the best of friends.

Like I said, I’m picky about the bitches I like. And when I meet someone I’m able to let my guard down with, and be 110% myself around, I get pretty invested into those relationships. I am that friend that will be there for you any time of day, and mean it. My phone is ALWAYS on, and always on loud. If it wakes me up, I WILL answer it. (Only if you’re my friend though…) And it doesn’t matter if I’m mad at you, I’m able to set things aside and still be there. With this being said, I was that person for Jillian and in turn, she was that person for me. Anytime something went wrong, I called or texted Jillian. Anytime something went right, I called or texted Jillian. Any little detail in my life, she knew about it. I’m going to be honest, there were plenty of times I felt as if I was a lot less important to Jillian than she was to me. It was a lot easier for her to make girlfriends and she isn’t as picky as I am. Even though this hurt, it didn’t take away from me being there for her no matter what. And this was something I never discussed with her either.

As most friendships, we had our ups and downs. High school bullshit drama made us drift apart for a short period, but it wasn’t long. We reconnected and seemed like we were closer than ever again. This was shortly after high school ended. We both went to local colleges the first year. Then Jillian was going through some big life changes and decided she wanted to move out-of-state for school. This meant my best friend would be almost 800 miles away from me…eek. Although this scared me, (main reason being scared of losing our friendship, yet again) I stood by her side and supported her. I told her it was a good decision and that if that is what she felt she needed, she should do it.

The time came, and I threw her a surprise going away party. It hit me hard because I’ve never had a best friend move so far away from me before. And I knew she would meet new people and as childish as it may seem, I was scared she would forget about me. But we sent each other care packages, we Skyped and watched Jersey Shore together every week still, I proudly represented a t-shirt and lanyard from her new school. But towards the end of her first year at her new school, I could tell things were changing. We texted less. We talked on the phone less. We didn’t Skype anymore. This scared the hell out of me. This girl was like my sister, and I felt like I was losing that close friendship that I knew no one could ever replace.

She came home that summer. We talked occasionally, and saw each other only a handful of times. We both were busy and had our own things going on, but I didn’t think this would change our friendship. Boy was I wrong. The end of that summer was nearing and I couldn’t remember the exact date she was leaving to go back to school but I knew I wanted to see her at least one more time before she left again. I texted her. I called her. I got nothing. I tried talking to her mom about it, and she wouldn’t tell me anything. She acted clueless even though I knew she knew what was going on because Jillian tells her mom everything. This frustrated me even more. But that was it. It’s like I was dead to her, and for no God damn reason. Hurt doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt. I felt like I bent over backwards to be the best friend I could be to her, and it meant absolutely fucking nothing. I was crushed.

A little over three years go by without a single word to each other. Not even two weeks ago, I had a dream that she was back in my life and we were discussing what happened three summers ago. I woke up and it seemed so real. I did my best to try to remember her phone number, and hoped it was the same still and worked up the courage to text her. I wanted answers. I didn’t expect to be friends again, and I surely didn’t expect answers. But I needed to know. I needed closure. I needed to at least try.

I was shocked when not even ten minutes later she answered. All I said was I had a weird ass dream about her and just thought I’d text her to see how she has been. I didn’t want to come right out and ask WTF happened, I wanted to see where it would go at first. If it would be civil. And it was. We briefly caught each other up on the big changes we had going on in our lives and then I couldn’t wait anymore. I asked. And I got an answer.

It wasn’t what I wanted to know because quite honestly, it still left me confused and hurt. She said she had too many things going on that summer, was being pulled in a million different directions and needed to leave everything behind. She seemed to be sorry, and said she should have handled it differently. She said she knew she had no excuse to do what she did. But this still hurt me. She knew what she was doing was wrong, but still did it. It seemed as if our friendship was nothing to her. Because before, this was something she would have been able to come to me for, but instead she shut me out and pushed me away and left me with no answers. For three years. We kept texting just about life in general and I told her I’m scared to get close again. She said she wanted to be friends again but knew things would probably never be the same. I agreed. She missed so many important things in my life for no good reason, including me getting married, that I know it will be hard to ever let that go.

As weird as it was, it seemed like we almost picked up where we left off. Even after three years of not talking and still almost 800 miles away from each other. This girl will always have a special place in my heart and I’m willing to put effort into mending our friendship, but I will have my guard up. We have only been chatting for about ten days now, and we have both gone to each other for advice already and I’ve already gotten texts from her at almost 1am. She knows I will always be there for her, no matter what. I don’t feel that she will always be there for me, at least not now. And I don’t think she will make our friendship a priority, again at least not now. But I have hope that it could change. I have hope that we could maybe be as close as we once were. I miss my best friend.

I had asked her the other day for ideas of things to blog about. And she mentioned to blog about our relationship. I’m not sure if she wanted me to write about it in hopes of trying to get some true emotions out of me or what.  But I told her I would be honest about it and made sure she was okay with that. I’m trying my best to put the past in the past, move on, and maybe even get my best friend back. Life is short and definitely too short to hold grudges. Which is something I am trying to improve on. And maybe this post will help give you the courage to mend some relationships in your life too. 🙂

I love and miss ya Jillian. And am glad we are able to talk again. 

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